Siege of the Sues
by Sai du Chickens
Summary: Voldemort has created a vile army that is nearly indefeatable--an army of Mary Sues. How will Harry and the Order be able to cope?
1. It Was A Dark And Stormy Night

The old manor creaked as the chilly air blew outside. Lord Voldemort was pleased. Fall was coming early this year.  
  
He turned from the window back to Wormtail, who was sitting on the floor beside Voldemort's armchair. "She will be here soon, Wormtail. Try not to snivel too much, for her sake." Wormtail nodded mutely.  
  
The front door burst open, and they both looked up to see Bellatrix Lestrange silhouetted in the doorway. She stepped in, a self-satisfied smirk on her face. "My Lord. I have done as you commanded."  
  
"You've found an army?"  
  
"Not just any army. An army that is completely and utterly unbeatable."  
  
Voldemort frowned. "Dragons? Vampires? Werewolves?"  
  
Bellatrix shook her head. "It is an army we'll have to take care with, my Lord, for there are no creatures more manipulative and evil than what I have brought you."  
  
"Worse than..." A look of realization crossed Voldemort's face. "Bellatrix. No. You can't have brought creatures like that...but you're right, they are unbeatable."  
  
"What is it?" Wormtail asked, his eyes wide.  
  
"_You_ wouldn't know," Bellatrix replied. "So far as they're concerned, you don't exist."  
  
"As a matter of fact," Voldemort mused, "Wormtail may be the only one immune to their powers." He glanced at Bellatrix. "Unless you...?"  
  
She shook her head. "Their innate powers have no effect on me, but they've been trying to possess me all the way here." She glanced outside nervously. "My Lord, I believe we will have to put Wormtail in command of the army."  
  
"What?" Wormtail cried, standing up and backing away. "My Lord, what are they? Why can't you command them?"  
  
Voldemort sighed. "My powers are great, Wormtail, but that is exactly why these creatures try to attach themselves to me. No, as much as I hate to do it, I'm forced to put you in command." He pointed at the door.  
  
Trembling, Wormtail peered out into the dark field. He expected something horrible, but instead saw hundreds upon hundreds of teenaged girls, chatting and giggling. He turned back to his master. "I don't understand, my Lord. How are we supposed to defeat Dumbledore and take over with a bunch of girls?"  
  
Voldemort and Bellatrix recoiled. "They're not girls, Wormtail, not exactly," Voldemort explained. "They're..." He sighed and turned to Bellatrix. "How can I explain them to him?"  
  
Bellatrix strode to the door. "You! You, come here!" The girl she had singled out approached the door. Bellatrix pointed at Wormtail. "This is your general. Introduce yourself."  
  
The girl promptly turned to Wormtail. "Hi! I'm Kayla Renee Starflower. I'm a pureblood wizard and I have a wand with a unicorn hair for a core, and it goes way back nineteen generations and because of it my whole family is all unicorn Animagi, and I can fly without a broom, and I have a super special amulet that lets me understand every language in the world, and..."  
  
Wormtail stopped listening to her talk. He was puzzled. The girl was beautiful, with hair that could only be described and a rippling pond of cornsilk (_rippling pond?_ he asked himself), perfect ivory skin, and eyes that shimmered like a thousand sparkling sapphires. What was that on her..  
  
"Oh, you noticed my tattoo," Kayla chattered. "It's actually the spirit of the great unicorn that watches over my whole family, and I can use it to summon him whenever I need to. Wanna see?"  
  
Dizzy, Wormtail turned back to Voldemort and Bellatrix. "That...it's impossible," he croaked. "There's no way, she can't exist..."  
  
"Strictly, she doesn't," Bellatrix replied. "But don't tell them that. Their only weakness is logic."  
  
"But what are they?"  
  
Bellatrix sighed. "They're Mary Sues." 


	2. Lupin's Warning

It was cold for the last week of August. Harry pulled his sweater on before he went downstairs. Apparently some news had come into the Order that morning, and Lupin wanted everyone there to hear it, even Harry and his friends.  
  
"What d'you suppose it is?" Ron asked, grabbing a sweater himself. "I bet it's a siege against Hogwarts, and we have to know before we go back."  
  
"I don't know," Harry replied. "But I went downstairs this morning to see if there was any of that cake your mum made left, and Snape was down there reporting. It was the weirdest thing I'd ever seen."   
  
"What was it?"  
  
"He was smiling, Ron."  
  
Ron gasped. "You're not serious!"  
  
"He was smiling. His hair was clean, his robes were washed, even his teeth were straight." Harry shrugged. "No clue. Let's go see what Lupin wants."  
  
The two went downstairs into the kitchen, where the members of the Order were waiting with somber faces. Hermione and Ginny were already sitting next to Lupin, who looked up to see Harry and Ron come in.  
  
"Good, you're here," Lupin said. "Sit down. News has come in of something very important, and everyone needs to be aware of the danger."  
  
"What is it?" Harry whispered to Hermione as he slid into the chair beside her. She shook her head.  
  
"Voldemort has...he's built an army," Lupin went on. "And somehow, he's managed to comprise it entirely of the foulest Dark creatures in existence, if they could be said to exist." He sighed heavily. "Mary Sues."  
  
Harry glanced around to see if this had registered with anyone else. But all of the adults looked puzzled, and even Hermione's face was blank.  
  
"Mary Sues are unheard of in our world," Lupin said. "But somehow the magical barriers have warped and allowed them access. Most will claim to be wizards, and indeed they have magical powers far beyond what anyone here can even imagine, powers that we would consider impossible."  
  
"What do they look like?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Generally, they appear to be harmless teenaged girls. They're usually extremely pretty, and they rarely intend to do harm."  
  
"Then how can they hurt us?" asked Ron, who seemed to be paying much more attention now.  
  
Lupin sighed. "It's not so much that they'll hurt you. However, they'll warp your behavior if you let them too near, causing you to act in ways you never normally would. Their main goal is normally to find a boyfriend, and they will mercilessly attach themselves to males they consider desirable."  
  
"So we should be safe?" Hermione asked, indicating herself and Ginny.  
  
"You may be in the worst danger of all," Lupin said darkly. "There will be many impostors claiming to actually be you, and the stronger among them may actually try to take over your bodies. Their danger should not be underestimated by their appearance."  
  
Harry frowned. "How do we fight them?"  
  
"They're immune to nearly all magical attacks. Even killing them often fails, and will bring them a great following as a wounded hero. If they do die, be assured that all of their friends will mourn them to the point of uselessness. They can only be destroyed by logic. Since they break the laws of this world, getting them to see that is our only defense. But be warned, even in their destruction they're dangerous creatures. They disappear slowly, and shoot flames as they go. The more tenacious ones can stay in their flaming state for days before finally exploding in a fit of screaming."  
  
Harry shuddered. "Then we've got no way to defend ourselves."  
  
Lupin shook his head. "Just keep your wits about you, and don't let them too close." He glanced around the table. "That's all. Harry, I do need to talk to you for a moment."  
  
Everyone else left, whispering among themselves, as Lupin turned to Harry. "You must know, because of who you are...many of them will be coming after you. Be very careful, Harry."  
  
"Have you ever seen one before?" Harry asked.  
  
Lupin nodded. "Three got through back when I was in school. They headed straight for our group of friends, and I tell you, it was a nasty fight." He shook his head. "One even tried to turn me straight."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh...nothing. Just stay away from strange girls. And listen to Hermione. She's the most logical of all of you, and she should be able to help keep you safe."  
  
Harry nodded. "I've got to be going. Mrs. Weasley is taking us down to Diagon Alley for school supplies."  
  
Lupin nodded. "Just watch yourself." 


	3. The First Encounters

By the time they arrived at Diagon Alley, Harry was grateful for Lupin's warnings. The busy street was more packed than usual, mostly with groups of giggling girls.  
  
"D'you think those are the Mary Sues?" Harry whispered to Ron.  
  
"I sure hope not" was all Ron replied.  
  
They followed Hermione into Flourish & Botts to pick up their books for the year. Harry hadn't even walked two steps into the store when he was suddenly accosted by a girl in filmy pink robes. "You must be Harry Potter!" she squealed. "I'm Cassie. I'm going to Hogwarts this year, and I'll be in the sixth year--just like you!"  
  
Hermione's back stiffened and she turned around to face the girl. "Then how come we've never seen you before?"  
  
"Oh, I'm a transfer student," Cassie replied. "I'm an orphan, you know--just like Harry--and I was raised by witches in America, but now they're sending me here." She lowered her eyes modestly. "Of course, I'm already really good at a lot of spells."  
  
"Like what?" Hermione asked suspiciously. Harry took a step back.  
  
"Well, see, I have this special necklace that gives me a magical power," Cassie whispered, pulling a thin silver chain out from under her robes. "It gives me the ability to see the future. It's the only thing I have left from my parents," she added mournfully.  
  
"Hogwarts doesn't take transfer students," Hermione snapped. "And besides, why are you conveniently moving here all of a sudden?"  
  
Cassie's innocent expression suddenly broke. "You're stupid!" she yelled, causing the other patrons of the store to look up. "Don't ask me for reasons! I don't need reasons!" Smoke started to curl from her ears. Harry grabbed Ron and Hermione and yanked them both out of the shop. But it was too late.  
  
"That's not a magical necklace, either!" Hermione yelled. Ron tried to cover her mouth, but she smacked his hand away. "That's a stupid Hello Kitty charm! You can't see the future in a Hello Kitty charm!"  
  
Cassie, still standing in the doorway of the shop, started to rumble. "You're mean!" she screamed, fire shooting from her mouth along with her words. "I can't believe it! I'm gonna get my friends to come and tell you how stupid you are and how much you--" She burst into a ball of fire and disappeared.   
  
"Oh, boy," Ron muttered under his breath. The manager of Flourish & Botts ran out, followed by levitating buckets of water that dumped themselves on the burning doorframe. He turned to the three of them, his face pale. "What was that?"  
  
"A Mary Sue," Harry told him. "They're everywhere, so be careful."  
  
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Hermione said brightly.   
  
"It wouldn't have been so bad if you'd kept your mouth shut," Ron snapped back. "You can't go around telling all these things they're wrong, Hermione, they're just--" He broke off midsentence. "What are you staring at?"  
  
Harry also followed Hermione's gaze to see something he hardly believed possible. It was a girl covered in piercings, black makeup, and shiny black leather clothes. And even though she had waist-length black hair, her face beneath all the piercings was unmistakable. It was Hermione's twin.  
  
Ron and Harry kept their distance as Hermione marched up to the girl. "Who are you?" she demanded.  
  
"Mione Granger," the girl replied dully. "Want a clove?"  
  
Hermione slapped the cigarette out of the girl's hand. "You are not 'Mione' Granger. I am Hermione Granger. You--you're just some Mary Sue impostor!"  
  
The girl looked stricken. "Mary Sue? How dare you call me a Mary Sue! I'm Hermione! I can't be a Mary Sue!"  
  
"You can't be Hermione because I am Hermione," Hermione replied witheringly. "Not that I'd be caught dead in those clothes anyways."  
  
The girl shrugged. "I got tired of being a bookworm, and getting made fun of all the time. So I decided to show people what I was really like inside--angry and empty and full of angst."  
  
"_What?_" Hermione screamed.  
  
The girl nodded. "Since you don't smoke, you want some pepper jack cheese? It's my favorite."  
  
"No, she's got to go!" Harry yelled. He and Ron ran up and grabbed a screaming Hermione and dragged her away.  
  
"What are you doing!" Hermione spat. "That--that _thing_ says she's me--and why do I care about her stupid cheese--"  
  
"Ron, let's find your mum," Harry yelled over the screams. "We need to get her out of here before she sets the whole place on fire." The girl with Hermione's face was already following them, shooting flames from her hands. Ron nodded in agreement. 


	4. Mione's Dreadful Announcement

"So how goes it?"  
  
Wormtail spun around to see his master standing behind him. "Er, it goes well, my Lord. We're just doing some planning." He waved vaguely at the roomful of girls packed around a table covered in maps.  
  
Voldemort surveyed the situation critically, noting that most of the girls were busy reapplying their makeup. "I see."  
  
"No, no, my Lord, look," Wormtail sputtered. "We've only had a few losses so far, and only one really significant one. I dispatched Rowena to take her rightful place as the Girl Who Lived, but apparently along the way she was--"  
  
"DADDY!" A girl in a low-cut black dress sprang up and embraced Voldemort. "Daddy! It's been so long since I've seen you!"  
  
"I am not your daddy," Voldemort attempted to inform her as she clung to him. "And why in the hell do you have wings?"  
  
"You know, Daddy," she giggled. "Mum's a gryphon!"  
  
Voldemort finally managed to shove her away. "Trust me, I never even looked at a gryphon that way."  
  
"But Daddy..." The girl's lower lip trembled.   
  
Voldemort sighed. "Well, there was that one night, when I was really drunk in Vegas..."  
  
"Yay!" The girl clapped her hands. "Can we go shopping now, Daddy?"  
  
"Sure! You want some new shoes, honey? Let's go buy you some new shoes."  
  
"Yay! Can they be evil shoes, Daddy?"  
  
"Of course. You've got some big evil shoes to fill." Voldemort put his arm around her and turned to Wormtail. "I'm taking my little girl shopping--what was your name again, honey?"  
  
"Keira! You're so silly, Daddy!"  
  
"Yes. I'm taking Keira shopping, so you just, well, stay and plan and whatever." The two walked off arm in arm.  
  
It took Wormtail almost a full minute to recover from the shock. He turned back to the roomful of girls with a new respect in his eyes. "You guys can do stuff like that?"  
  
"Wait til you see what I can do!" the girl nearest him yelled. But she was interrupted by the sudden reappearance of one of Wormtail's scouts, a girl dressed all in black. Wormtail was pretty sure her name was Mione, but there seemed to be so many with that name...  
  
Mione's face was streaked black with tears and at least the first five layers of eyeliner. "You guys...you guys...it's so terrible..." Overcome with sobs, she held out her hand. Wormtail peered over to see that she held a charm necklace with a little kitten wearing a bow.  
  
"What is it?" he asked, taking it from her. The rest of the girls collectively gasped. "Cassie!" one of them wailed.  
  
Mione nodded sadly. "Cassie's been..._flamed_." She held her head a little higher. "You know what that means, don't you?"   
  
"REVENGE!" the girls screamed. Wormtail covered his ears.   
  
Mione smiled at the charm sadly. "Yes. We will have our revenge, on the girl who claims to be me." She put the necklace on. "I will wear this in memory of Cassie!" she yelled. "We will track this girl down and FLAME HER!"  
  
"FLAME HER!" the girls echoed before stampeding out the door, Mione in the lead.  
  
Wormtail uncovered his ears and glanced around the room. Only two girls were left, a pair of smiling blond twins in the corner. "Why are you two still here?" he asked weakly.  
  
"I'm Serena, and this is my sister Serenity," one of the girls said. "We decided to stay behind because we have, well, a very special power that we think will help you quite a bit."  
  
"You're actually more concerned with taking out Potter than with your makeup, or avenging Carrie what's her face?"  
  
The other girl grinned. "Serena and Serenity _Malfoy_, at your service." 


	5. Virginia, Ginny, and Ron

"Put your jacket on, Ginny!" Mrs. Weasley's voice somehow carried through the hubbub that was Platform 9 3/4 on September first. Ginny sighed and shrugged on her jacket. "Don't know why she's bothering, we'll have to change into our robes soon enough anyways," Harry heard her mutter as they boarded the train.  
  
Hermione and Ron made their way to the prefect's compartment, calling to first-years and the strange influx of transfer students as they went. Harry found an empty compartment and sat down with Ginny, pushing Hedwig's cage under the seat.  
  
"You don't think there are any of the Sues like the one you guys saw in Diagon Alley for me, do you? Ones that look like me?" she asked nervously.  
  
Harry shook his head. "I don't know. The whole thing scares me, really."  
  
Ginny made a dismissive noise. "Well, unless I see one that's supposed to be me, I'm not going to worry about it."  
  
The door to the compartment slid open, and Ron stuck his head in. "They're everywhere," he whispered nervously. "I'm having a terrible time keeping Hermione's mouth shut. We don't need to set the train on fire." He glanced around the corridor, then stopped. "Well. Who is this?"  
  
A beautiful girl, far surpassing the beauty of almost any girl Harry had ever seen, was slinking down the corridor. "Is there a seat here?" she asked in a sultry voice. "I can't seem to find anywhere to sit..."  
  
"Uh..." Ron shot a look at Harry, who was shaking his head rapidly. "Nnn...what did you say your name was?"  
  
"I'll expect you'll have heard of me," the girl replied. "Virgina. The supermodel?"  
  
Ron frowned. "Can't say that I have..."  
  
"Wait." The girl's eyes narrowed. "You're...you're my brother!" She embraced him. "I haven't seen you in so long, Ronnie!"  
  
"Virginia?" Ginny sputtered. "Look, bitch, if you're gonna impersonate me you'd better get my name right!"  
  
But Ron was now staring at Virginia in a rather different way. "You're trying to be Ginny? _That_ Ginny? My sister?" He started laughing. "Oh, there's no way. There's no way! You have boobs!"  
  
"Ronald!" Ginny yelled.  
  
Ron's entire body was shaking with laughter. "Oh, Ginny, I'm sorry, but really, look at this girl! She's stacked! She can't be you!" Tears rolled from his eyes. tendrils of smoke began curling from Virginia's nostrils.  
  
"Ron..." Harry warned. It was to no avail.   
  
Ron's knees buckled and he fell to the floor, holding his sides as he laughed. "And you're taller than me! And a supermodel! Ginny's no supermodel! There's no way in hell!"  
  
Harry pulled Ron into the compartment and slammed the door shut just in time. The fiery explosion outside rocked the entire car.  
  
It took Ron a few minutes to calm down. "Ginny, I'm sorry, I didn't mean you're not pretty," he said, wiping his eyes. "But that? That's not you. No way."  
  
Ginny sighed. "Yeah. You're right. And, thanks, I guess. I was just telling Harry that I was scared of impostors." She grinned. "And maybe Hermione isn't the only one who needs to watch their mouth."  
  
"I know." Ron grinned back, then pointed out to the corridor where Draco and Pansy were trying their best to put the blazing carpet out. "But I think right now we can all just sit back and have a fine time watching that." 


	6. Harry Asks Draco What He's Wearing

Harry had noticed that the conductor on the Hogwarts Express hadn't commented on the scorch marks in the carpet. They had had to take out a second Sue that was in hot pursuit of Neville, who was completely terrified. By the time they reached Hogwarts, the influence of the Sues on the other students was apparent. Girls were getting makeovers courtesy of two girls Harry suspected were not Lanvender and Parvati, and there wasn't a boy on the train who didn't have a girl on each arm, besides himself, Ron, and Neville. Even Colin Creevey had a girl listening to him ramble on about his Chocolate Frog card collection.  
  
"Firs' years an...well...all you girls, this way!" Harry heard Hagrid calling as they left the train.   
  
"Why do you think they're all at school here?" Ron whispered to Harry. "You don't think Dumbledore actually let them in, do you? I mean, he has to know better. And we don't take transfer students anyways...do we?"  
  
"Hermione said we didn't, and you know she's probably right," Harry said, watching the bizarre display of revealing Muggle clothes against the stark black background of Hogwarts robes. "But from what Lupin said, I'd guess people only know about them if they've run into them before, and maybe Dumbledore hasn't."  
  
They followed the rest of the students into the castle, ignoring screams from a girl who had fallen into the lake and broken a nail. Ron and Hermione tried herding the transfer students around, but they all seemed to hate Hermione at first glance.  
  
Harry, meanwhile, had noticed McGonagall and Flitwick talking in hushed tones on a staircase landing. He walked as slowly as possible past them, trying to catch their conversation.  
  
"...where we're going to put them all. Sixth years, every one!"  
  
"No, I saw a few fifth years," Flitwick squeaked. "But this place is overrun..."  
  
"Why, hello there, Potter." Harry heard an unpleasantly familiar voice and turned to see Draco Malfoy surrounded by a bevy of adoring girls and...Harry blinked. That couldn't be...  
  
"Potter, I've finally realized the error of my ways," Draco continued. "I've been a bit too hard on you over the years, and I think it's time for us to be friends." He stuck out his hand. "What do you say? Truce?"  
  
"Malfoy?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why are you wearing leather pants?"  
  
Draco looked down at himself in surprise. "Why...I guess I am." He shrugged. "Picked them up doing shopping the other day, I suppose. I mean, I can't discount Muggle clothing that makes me look like a sexy beast, now can I?" The girls around him started giggling wildly.  
  
Harry shook his head and walked on. "I'll talk to you later, Malfoy. Have fun with your leather pants."  
  
"Oh, Potter!" Draco called after him. "By the way, your friend Hermione's gotten really hot!"  
  
Harry stopped. "What did you say?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. The piercings, the makeup...I don't know what happened to her over the summer, but whatever it was, I like it!"  
  
"Whatever you say, Malfoy." The Mione-Sue had survived. Hermione was not going to be pleased to hear this at all.  
  
Harry walked on to the Great Hall and slumped down at the Gryffindor table. "How'd it go?" he asked Ron and Hermione.  
  
Ron's eyes widened. "Harry, I'm so glad I know what they really are. They're terrible! And every single one of them calls me Ronnie!"  
  
"At least they're not trying to kill you," Hermione snapped. "Honestly, they kept trying to put the most outrageous curses on me that don't exist."  
  
"Well, at least you took a few down with that," Ron replied. Harry glanced at Hermione. She looked down modestly.   
  
"I suppose I did send a few up in flames."  
  
"A few?" Ron sputtered. "Hermione, you had to have gotten a dozen of them! Filch is still trying to put out those tapestries!"  
  
"It's not all good news," Harry muttered. He told them about his encounter with Draco.  
  
"That thing's still running around here? Honestly..." Hermione looked more exasperated than Harry had ever seen her.  
  
"Hush, you two," Ron said, pointing to the front of the room. "The Sorting's about to begin. This should be interesting." 


	7. The War Room Revisited

By this point, Wormtail had realized that his station as commander of the girls was largely ceremonial. Mione had taken over commanding most of them at Hogwarts, and the Malfoy twins were far more intelligent than he had ever thought any Malfoy could be. He was pretty much biding his time back at Voldemort's manor, along with a few girls who had declined to go to Hogwarts with the rest. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that they insisted on painting his toenails purple.   
  
"So tell us about when you went to Hogwarts," said one of the girls sitting at his feet.   
  
"Me? Oh, it's not too interesting, really. I pretty much just ran around with my friends and helped them play pranks on people, stuff like that."   
  
"Who were your friends?" the girl pressed.  
  
"Well, two of them are dead now. Their names were James, Sirius, and--" He was cut off by a sudden squealing from all the girls.  
  
"You were friends with _them_?" the first girl asked incredulously. "There's no way!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Wormtail asked suspiciously.  
  
"Because, like, they were so _bish_, and you're so...There's no way!"  
  
Before Wormtail could respond to this, the door to the war room burst open and Bellatrix strode in. She quickly took in the situation--squealing girls, Wormtail with cotton balls between his toes--and frowned. "I thought you were supposed to be commanding this lot."  
  
"Oh, I am." Wormtail stood up quickly, smudging the polish. "We've got Hogwarts completely infiltrated."  
  
"Have you?" Bellatrix raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh, yeah. There's Sues everywhere. Remember Kayla Renee? You wouldn't believe who she's related to! Oh, and the Malfoy twins, they're absolutely wonderful. Wait until I tell you what they're doing!"  
  
"Whatever they're doing," Bellatrix snarled, "It had better make up for the fact that I just saw the Dark Lord himself parading through the streets of Muggle London in broad daylight with a winged thing wearing a pink t-shirt that says 'Daddy's Little Devil' across the front!"  
  
"Uh...well, you know, Muggles can't see the wings, and--"  
  
"I don't care!" Bellatrix pounded on the table with her fist, scattering lipstick and glittery eyeshadow across the floor. "You let one of them exert her execreble influence over our master! I knew you were an idiot, Wormtail, but even you should be able to see what these things can do!"  
  
"I know, I know, I..." Something struck him as wrong. "What were you doing in Muggle London, anyways?"  
  
Bellatrix's expression changed as her face reddened. "Well, one of them did suggest I get some bondage gear, and it seemed like a good idea at the time," she admitted. "I managed to shake off the urge once I was actually in the store, but..." She trailed off, toying with a jeweled hair clip.  
  
"See?" Wormtail mustered up the best triumphant smirk he could. "Even you're not immune to their effects!"  
  
"Shut up, Wormtail."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"We're baaaaaack!" another voice called from the hallway. Wormtail and Bellatrix turned to see Voldemort and Keira walking up, loaded down with shopping bags. Keira did indeed have the pink t-shirt, and Voldemort was now wearing a shirt proclaiming himself to be the world's best dad.  
  
Bellatrix groaned as the other girls ran up to exclaim over Keira's purchases. "I'm going to go gouge my eyes out now." One of the girls screamed as Keira brought out her new pet, a giant venemous tarantula that was apparently named Snookums. "And cut off my ears," Bellatrix called as she quickly walked down the hallway.  
  
"So how are things going, Wormtail?" Voldemort murmured.  
  
Wormtail rubbed his hands together with glee, something he'd always seen evil henchmen do in books but had never had the opportunity to do himself. "Very well, my Lord, very well indeed..." 


	8. Gary Stuart and Lilac Livingston

The Sorting was the most horrible thing Harry had ever sat through. Apparently the Sues' powers extended to the Sorting Hat, since there were a number of them Sorted into two houses rather than one, and a good number of them deemed too special for any of the four Houses. Harry was privately pleased to note that these "extra-special" students were pressed into the care of Professor Trelawney. Apparently the Sues had no effect on McGonagall's sense of humor.  
  
Unfortunately, things went awry when a handsome blonde boy was sorted into Gryffindor. He made his way directly to where the three of them sat, but ignored Harry and Ron completely. Instead, he turned to Hermione. "Wow. You really are as lovely as I was told," he said, gazing into her eyes.  
  
"Told by who?" Hermione retorted.  
  
"Oh, Viktor, you know. I'm a transfer student from Durmstrang, come here to finish out my last two years while playing for the Appleby Arrows."  
  
"You're a Quidditch player?"  
  
"Hermione..." Ron elbowed her, but she swatted him away.  
  
The blonde boy sighed. "Yes. You see, my grandmother, who raised me, is very poor and she's going to have to sell her house. So I elected to move and play Quidditch professionally, so I can send her money."  
  
"How noble," Hermione whispered. "What's your name?"  
  
"Gary. Gary Stuart."  
  
"Odd name, coming from Durmstrang," Ron muttered. Gary heard him.  
  
"Oh, you see, my parents, God rest their souls, were American. When they died in that awful gas explosion, I was sent to Bulgaria with my grandmother. I was only four at the time."  
  
"What a tragedy," Hermione murmured, shaking her head.  
  
Ron made a disgusted face. "Shut up, will you? Dumbledore's going to speak."  
  
They turned as Dumbledore stood up and began the start-of-term speech. "Greetings to all those returning, and to those who are new as well. A special greeting to my grand-niece who has finally transferred in, Kayla Renee Starflower!" A girl at the Ravenclaw table stood up and waved to scattered applause. Dumbledore went on. "I would also like to extend a special welcome to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lilac Livingston!" A beautiful blonde woman stood up from the teacher's table and smiled to only slightly more applause than Kayla Renee had received.  
  
Ron jabbed Harry's side with his elbow. "Harry, look at Snape!"  
  
Harry glanced over to see their normally sour professor staring at Livingston with a look Harry had trouble placing on Snape's face. After a moment, he realized what it was. "Ron...you don't think he's...fallen for her?"  
  
"She's got to be another Sue," Ron muttered.  
  
"But isn't she too old for it?"  
  
"Lupin said they could be any age, didn't he? Besides, they make you act differently. What could be more different for Snape than..." Ron gulped. "Falling in love with someone?"  
  
Harry nodded. "You're probably right." Plates of food began appearing on the tables. Ron simply stared at it.  
  
"What's the matter with you?" Harry asked.  
  
"Thinking about Snape..." Ron shuddered. "I think I've lost my appetite." He glanced over at Hermione, who was now completely wrapped up in whatever Gary was saying. "And the two of them aren't helping a bit."  
  
Harry sighed and reached for a bowl of potatoes. "I'd suggest you get used to it, Ron. These Sues aren't going anywhere." He glanced around. "Is it just me, or are there more than there were before?"  
  
The Sues did seem to be multiplying. The tables were filled with girls who had hair longer than their skirts--all but Hufflepuff, which seemed to be entirely Sue-free.  
  
Ron shook his head. "One's too many for me. I think I'm going to head on up to the dormitory."  
  
"I'll be up in a bit," Harry called after him. "I'll bring you some food, okay?"  
  
"Sure, whatever," Ron muttered, shooting another evil glare at Hermione and Gary. 


	9. Potions Class With Kittens!

The first class the sixth-year Gryffindors were scheduled for the next day was Potions. Harry and Ron got dressed as slowly as possible--a fairly easy feat, as Gary's belongings were scattered all across the dormitory floor.   
  
"Does anyone really need this much mousse?" Ron groused, kicking aside yet another can of Madame Melinda's Magical Hair Care product.  
  
"Dunno," Harry said shortly. "But we are pretty close to being late. Let's get on down to the dungeon."   
  
They hurried down the stairs to find the dungeon not only standing room only, but flooded into the hallway. Most of the new students were sixth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins, and the Potions room wasn't going to come close to holding them all.   
  
Hermione ran up behind them. "Apparently Snape's moving the class outside," she said. Harry and Ron stared at her. She rolled her eyes. "I know. Something's gotten into him, and I've got a good idea what it is."  
  
The three of them headed outside, but not before Hermione scanned the crowd for Gary. "Where is he?" she muttered.  
  
"Probably still working on his hair," Ron snapped. "He's got loads of stuff all over the room."  
  
Hermione snorted. "I don't want to hear it. You missed us having to put all the first through fifth year girls out into the common room to sleep last night so all the sixth years had a place, and even then it was ten to a room. I did nail one of them when I talked her CD player into nonexistence."  
  
"What's a CD player?" Ron asked. Hermione shook her head. "Let's just get to class."  
  
Once they reached the sunny field outside, they were greeted with a shock. Snape had his hair tied back with a velvet ribbon, and he was wearing a ruffly white shirt rather than his usual black robes. As if that wasn't disturbing enough, he had baskets heaped with flowers sitting in front of him.  
  
"What is going on here..." Harry couldn't tear his eyes away.  
  
"Sit down, class," Snape called in a voice that seemed strange until Harry realized that it sounded cheerful. "Today we're learning how to make Happiness Potions! Why, you ask? Because I want every single one of you to be just as happy as me!"  
  
"It's like Lockhart's psychotic twin," Ron whispered.  
  
"Now, everyone, pay attention," Snape was saying. "You're going to put flowers into the potion, yes, but I have a special surprise. The main ingredient of a Happiness Potion is--the whisker of a white kitten!" He opened a basket to reveal several fluffy white kittens, who all appeared to be tangled in a ball of blue yarn. All the girls started oohing and aahing as they reached for a kitten.  
  
"Okay. I have to leave," Harry whispered back. "I've had nightmares that started out this way." He turned and started for the castle.  
  
"Where are you going, Potter?" Snape called. Harry stopped in his tracks, not turning around. "I don't want you to miss this class," Snape went on. "I want you to have a Happiness Potion, too, Potter, because after class we're going to sit down and have a great big wonderful heart-to-heart talk! You're really my favorite student, Potter, have I ever told you that?"  
  
"Yeah, and maybe we could sit and have a nice chat about our truce, too, Potter!" Draco called from inside his circle of female admirers. "I packed a picnic lunch, so we don't even have to go in to eat!"  
  
Harry turned and surveyed the situation carefully. There were a hundred-odd Mary Sues sitting with his classmates, Ron and Hermione appeared unable to move from shock, Draco was still wearing leather pants, and Snape was cuddling a kitten.  
  
He turned and bolted for the castle, screaming all the way. 


	10. OMG CODE WTF

"What have you got there?" Voldemort peered over Wormtail's shoulder.  
  
"It's a scrying glass. Hush." Wormtail was intent on the image appearing in the little glass.  
  
"What the hell is a scrying glass?"  
  
Wormtail shrugged. "How should I know? It just lets, well, either Serena or Serenity contact me directly and let me know what's going on."  
  
"And?" Voldemort prompted.  
  
"Well..." Wormtail furrowed his brow. "I mean, really well, in all the things we wanted to achieve. Dumbledore's let all the Sues in thanks to Kayla Renee, and he's totally entranced by her. Apparently he's been playing with the great unicorn spirit for pony rides or something." Wormtail shook his head. "Wish I had whatever he's on."  
  
"So Dumbledore's defenses are down," Voldemort murmured, steepling his fingers. "Very good. What else?"  
  
"Umm...well, the whole school's in an uproar. Apparently Potter's lost it. He ran out of class screaming, couldn't handle it anymore."  
  
Voldemort chuckled. "You know, I had wanted him to be taken in by a Sue, but madness will suffice. Of course, madness can make one dangerous...see that a Sue is dispatched to leech onto Potter."  
  
Wormtail nodded. "No problem. There are a few nasty side effects, though."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Apparently Severus has been affected terribly. Something about kittens."  
  
"He's biting their heads off?" Voldemort considered. "That doesn't seem too bad."  
  
"No, no, he's got a basket full of kittens..." Wormtail hit the side of the scrying glass. "There we go. Yeah, a basket of kittens, named Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy...Oh, this is pathetic. Even I can't handle this."  
  
"We can't have that," Voldemort snapped. He began pacing the room urgently. "No, we don't need our own officers in the field having their judgement clouded by these--"  
  
"DADDY!" Wormtail almost dropped the scrying glass. A red-faced Keira was standing in the doorway, wearing a shirt today that said "Daddy's Evil Little Girl".  
  
"What is it, Keira sweetums? Daddy's very busy right now plotting the destruction of wizarding society, can it wait just a moment?"  
  
"NO! I..." Keira unballed her fists. "Can I help? Pleeeease?"  
  
Voldemort sighed. "Okay."  
  
"Yay!" She jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Oh, yay, I've always wanted to plan the destruction of wizarding society!"  
  
"Good," Wormtail said wearily, setting the scrying glass on the table. "Go get Potter in the sack. I think we can take it from there."  
  
Keira's eyes widened. "Really? Ohmigod! I've gotta go pack!" She rushed off to her room, squealing "I'm gonna screw Potter!" all the way.  
  
"She seems a little too excited about that prospect," Voldemort noted.  
  
"I wouldn't be too worried about it," Wormtail replied. "We've got Dumbledore taken care of, but you know it's always Potter and his friends who screw up the plans. From what Serena or Serenity is telling me, the girl has been detonating Sues left and right, but she's slowly falling under our control. The Weasley boy is holding out, but he's a walking ball of hormones, from what I'm told. Once Potter is sufficiently distracted, we should be ready to move in."   
  
Voldemort shook his head. "We're going to wait. I don't want anybody in that school to remember a thing from before the Sues showed up. They'll lose their skills, they'll get out of practice. And then, we strike."  
  
Keira reappeared in the door (Wormtail had discovered in a terribly unpleasant way last night that she was an expert Apparator; he was still arguing about whether she was still required to knock on the bathroom door or not) with several suitcases full of clothes, Hot Topic tags sticking out everywhere. "Daddy? My friend Thalia sent me this today from Hogwarts." She held out a piece of paper. Wormtail leaned over Voldemort's shoulder to read it:  
  
_OMGWTFBBQ! Were like soooo not alowed to have petz Xcep 4 stiky owelz n catz n im alergic n ikky TOADZ!!!!!!!111 eww i cant take my :PONIE STARLLA SUNSHINE even tho shez like my FAMILLAR n stuf!_  
  
Keira appeared to be on the verge of tears. "Daddy, can't I take Snookums?"  
  
"Yes, yes, honey, you can take Snookums..." Voldemort turned to Wormtail. "They've developed their own code! It's completely indecipherable! Keira...can your friends who are still here teach us this code?"  
  
"Well...sure, Daddy! Like, everyone knows it!" She rolled her eyes.  
  
"Wonderful. Wormtail, you get to work on this. Keira, tell all the girls at Hogwarts to only send us reports in this code, okay?" Keira nodded and Apparated away.  
  
"She Apparated into Hogw...oh, never mind," Wormtail muttered. He stared at the letter Voldemort had handed him. He felt a headache coming on. 


	11. Harry Meets Keira

Quick Note: I do work full-time, so I usually only get to write on weekends, just so you're all aware. Fortunately, I write a lot on weekends. :D  
  
-------------------   
  
"Harry? Harry, wake up." An unfamiliar voice came from somewhere...  
  
"What's going on?" he croaked. "Where am I?"  
  
"In the infirmary. I guess you passed out or something."  
  
Harry opened his eyes to see who was talking to him. He blinked. It was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, with long black hair and sparkling violet eyes. "Who...who are you?"  
  
"My name's Keira. I'm here to take care of you." She dabbed at his forehead with a damp washcloth. "Feeling better?"  
  
"Well...yeah, yeah, I do." He actually felt sort of sluggish and sleepy. "I feel great, now that you're here." What had just come out of his mouth? He glanced at the girl again. No, it made sense now. She was here, and that was all that mattered. A tiny part of his brain seemed to be squeaking a warning, but he chose not to listen.  
  
"It's about time." Keira stood up and walked over to the opposite bed, where Harry saw a pile of clean robes. She picked one up and brought it to him. "You've been out all day long. You even missed Defense Against The Dark Arts class."  
  
"Oh, no. What's the new teacher like?" Harry struggled to sit up.  
  
"She's really fantastic. She knows loads of stuff, and she's an Auror and everything. And she and Professor Snape are just so cute together!"  
  
That tiny part of Harry's brain was now screaming frantically that something was wrong. _Must have had a bad dream or something_, he thought. "Yeah, Professor Snape seemed a lot happier today. It's a nice change, isn't it?"  
  
Keira smiled. "Sure is. Oh, you have a visitor." She nodded to someone on the other side of the room, and Harry looked up to see Draco. He smiled.  
  
"Potter!" Draco gave him a pat on the back. "Glad to see you're feeling better."  
  
"Thanks. I'm glad we finally made up, too."  
  
"Yeah." Draco looked confused for a moment. "I don't know why I was so mean to you for so long." He brightened up. "But that's all in the past. We're friends now, and that's what counts."  
  
"Yes, that's what counts," echoed Harry. He glanced at Keira. "Where are Ron and Hermione?"  
  
Keira rolled her eyes. "Mione's studying, duh. I don't know where Ron is. Probably wherever you Gryffindors are."  
  
"What house are you in?" Harry asked her.  
  
Keira sat up a bit straighter. "I'm in the special house, the one that Professor Trelawney is heading up? We haven't come up with a house name yet. Kayla Renee keeps going for Amabilis, after her unicorn spirit, but that sounds like a disease to me." She wrinkled her nose. "Anyways, why don't you put on your robes? We can, I don't know, head out and fly around the Quidditch pitch before we have to be in bed."  
  
"You fly?" Harry was astounded. This girl really was perfect.  
  
"Of course. My dad just got me a Firebolt 300." Keira jumped off the bed. "They're not in stores yet. Bet it can even beat your old Firebolt. Wanna race?"  
  
"Only if I can play too," Draco chimed in. The three of them started laughing. Harry felt great. The happiness of sitting here with his friends almost completely drowned out that nagging voice saying something was wrong. 


	12. Ron's Desperate Flight

It was almost midnight. Where the hell was Harry?  
  
Ron flopped back down into the squashy chair in front of the fireplace. He'd seen what had happened earlier, but Harry should be back in Gryffindor Tower by now. He didn't even have his Invisibility Cloak. Ron was, to say the least, rather worried. At least Neville, Dean, and Seamus were up in the boys' dorimtory with Gary and Hermione. That was almost a load off his mind...  
  
"Ron?"  
  
Ron's head snapped up. He couldn't think of a time he would have been more grateful to see Lupin's head in the fireplace. He dropped to his knees. "Lupin! I am so glad to see you, you have no idea, it's absolutely terrible here..."  
  
"I know," Lupin replied grimly. "To be honest, I can't even imagine what it's like there. One got in the house today, and we're having a terrible time getting rid of her."  
  
"One got in the house? How did she know where it even was?"  
  
"She's claiming to be Sirius's daughter. Hold on a moment--" Lupin's head turned away, and Ron could hear a girl shrilly screaming "Daddy! Pay attention to me--OW!" Lupin turned back around. "That should take care of her for a bit."  
  
"If she's Sirius's daughter, why is she calling you Daddy?" Ron asked.  
  
Lupin sighed. "Unfortunately, lack of a grounding in basic biology is making things difficult with this one. Anyways, where's Harry and Hermione?"  
  
Ron shrugged. "Hermione's met some guy, and she's off with him. Harry was sent to the infirmary earlier, but he didn't have to stay the night, so I've got no clue where he is."  
  
Lupin frowned. "What happened to him?"  
  
"He sort of went into shock after seeing Snape all happy with a basket of kittens."  
  
Lupin made an odd noise that Ron was pretty sure was a stifled laugh. "That's part of the downside of Snape being the spy. He got infected before he even told us what was going on. Poor man." He shook his head. "Ron, you need to watch out for Harry. Snape hasn't reported to us, and now I understand why, but you know as well as I that he's Voldemort's main target. I don't know what they'll send after him, but I wouldn't want to meet it."  
  
Ron nodded. "I'm not doing too bad with keeping them off, but they mostly come to me looking for Harry anyways. You wouldn't believe how many sisters he has."  
  
"Glad to hear it. You--" Lupin glanced behind him with a look of annoyance. "This one's up and moving again. I've got to go, Ron, but just stay strong."  
  
"Thanks," Ron said, and watched Lupin's head disappear. He settled back into the armchair, trying to relax, but found himself completely unable to do so. Where was Harry? It was driving him crazy. Well, there was only one thing to do now.  
  
He crept up the stairs and into the boys' dormitory. What met his eyes was a horrible sight. Yes, Neville, Dean, and Seamus were here, along with Gary and Hermione. What Ron hadn't counted on were the fifteen or twenty girls hanging about and giggling madly. He really hadn't counted on about half of them charging him as soon as he came in the door.  
  
"Back!" he shouted, fighting his way through. "Get out of my way! Now!" He finally managed to make it to Harry's trunk, where not even the gaggle of girls around him noticed him pulling the Invisibility Cloak out. He made a mad dash for the door and slammed it behind him, then stood in the hallway panting for a moment. That had been scary.  
  
He looked down at the cloak. "Harry, you know I'd normally never touch your stuff, but this is an emergency," he muttered before wrapping it around himself and heading for the dormitory door. 


	13. Dealing With Snape

Bellatrix frowned. "What do you have to say for yourself?" She waited. "Put the kitten down and talk to me, Severus."  
  
Snape, who was now in a lavender robe that really did look suspiciously like something out of Gilderoy Lockhart's closet, set the kitten down with a sigh. "I just cannot explain it, Bella. It's...well..." He threw his hands up in the air. "It's love!"  
  
"I see. And who exactly is this Lilac Livingston?"  
  
Snape sighed, and a dreamy look crossed his face. "She used to be an Auror, but she's so devoted to educating the wizards and witches of tomorrow that she quit to teach full-time. Isn't that just wonderful of her?"  
  
"Yeah. Wonderful." Bellatrix started out of the room. "Go ahead and get your kitten now, Severus. Have fun." She marched back into the war room. "Wormtail!"  
  
Wormtail glanced up from the game of parcheesi he was playing with a few of the girls. "Oh, hello, Bellatrix. Things are going just fine, so there's no need to yell at me today, right?"  
  
"Oh, I think there is." She grabbed the back of his robes and hauled him out of his chair. "Severus Snape is out there right now. He's letting some girl paint his toenails purple to match his robes. He has a kitten named Dopey that he won't let go of. Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds to me like classic signs of Sue attack, don't they?"  
  
"What?" Wormtail struggled to escape her grasp, but to no avail. "Look, see, I don't know anything about that--"  
  
"You'd better," Bellatrix snapped. "It seems like I'm the only one with my head on straight around here. You've got a Sue out of control over there, and while I know they work well on their own, we can't have them going after our people. You're the commander of these girls, and that means you'd better get them in line." She dropped him back into his chair. "Get that spying glass thing and get in touch with them. Now."  
  
Wormtail hurried over the the shelf that held the precious scrying glass. He tapped it gingerly. "Hello? Serena? Serenity?"  
  
The face of one of the Malfoy twins appeared in the mirror. "Why, hello, Wormtail," she purred. "Things are going swimmingly. Keira's doing her job quite well, I must say."  
  
"Okay, look," he whispered to her. "I don't know what you guys are doing to Snape, but it's got to stop, okay? he's completely incoherent. He keeps talking about Lilac what's her face, and she needs to be..." His eyes narrowed as realization struck. "Wait a minute..."  
  
"Stop your fussing, Wormtail dear," Serena or Serenity replied. "I'll see that, er, Lilac leaves Snape alone." She sighed dramatically. "She did so enjoy his company. You know, before she was an Auror she--"  
  
"I don't care," Wormtail hissed. "Call her off...whoever she is. And I have my suspicions." He smacked the front of the glass and set it back on the shelf, then turned back to Bellatrix who waited, arms folded, for the news. "All right, Bella. I've got it under control. Lilac Livingston won't be bothering Severus any more."  
  
"Good. See that it stays that way." Bellatrix turned to leave.  
  
"Oh, Bella?" Wormtail called.  
  
"Yes?" She didn't turn to face him.  
  
"You're not affected by the Sues...right?"  
  
"You don't see me babbling on about kittens and such, do you?"  
  
"No, of course not! I was just wondering when you started wearing glittery eyeshadow?"  
  
It was, Wormtail decided later, almost worth the Slugface Jinx. 


	14. Hermione's Capture

Gary smiled at Hermione. "Guess it's time for bed, everyone. Got to be up bright and early for class tomorrow."  
  
Everyone in the room groaned, including Hermione. "I guess you're right," she conceded. I know I need my sleep, and I haven't studied all evening."  
  
"It's the first day of school, Hermione," Gary said, patting her hand. "I'm sure there's no critical studying you missed today."  
  
She sighed and led the girls back into their dormitory. The past two days had been hard on her. She knew full well that most of these girls were Sues, but her destruction of them had caused the loss of several beds and nearly all of the second-year dormitory. On the upside, nobody was sleeping in the common room tonight.   
  
It hit her suddenly that Ron had come in a bit before. What was he there for? She couldn't remember, he was in and out so quickly--and she'd been busy.  
  
She hung outside the sixth-year dormitory until all the girls had filed inside, then quietly shut the door on them. She slipped downstairs to see if Ron was still awake. What she saw in the common room, though, was not Ron but something very different.  
  
Gary was standing by the door of the dormitory, which was standing open. He seemed to be sticking his head out and talking to someone. Hermione crept closer, wishing she had Harry's Invisibility Cloak right now. What was that creep saying?  
  
"Yeah, she's bought it completely," she heard him say. "We'll get to Potter in no time...what? That's ridiculous. They can't make you...well, that's a good point, I suppose."  
  
Hermione's hands balled into fists. She had known from the moment he sat down at the table that there was something wrong with Gary, but she never let on for a moment. And now here he was, working with those disgusting Mary Sues! She was more glad than ever now that she hadn't let him kiss her. She moved back into the shadows and sidled still closer, wanting desperately to know who was on the other side of that door.  
  
"Well, you've ended it, and ended it quite well, I must say," Gary was saying. "I'll send Mione by in the morning to take care of the rest. Just because they've stopped us one way doesn't mean we can't attack another way. We'll get to our goals eventually." He made a noise that Hermione could only describe as a snigger. "And then we can dispose of the rest of these useless..._Sues_ and get on with--" He stopped. "Did you hear something?"  
  
And before she knew it, Hermione was pinned to the floor, gary's wand at her throat. "I should have known we'd gotten to you too easily," he snarled. "Too smart for your own good, you are." He glanced at the door. "Shall we take her in, beloved sister?"  
  
Hermione followed his eyes in horror as Lilac Livingston stepped into the common room. "Indeed we shall." She stood over Hermione, looking down pityingly. "It's too bad that idiot Keira got to Potter. Were he in his right mind, I think we might have an excellent bargaining chip here." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter now. We'll dispose of Keira immediately."  
  
"But then Voldemort will come to his senses," Gary replied. "Keira's got a hold on him. She's probably the only reason we've been able to get this far without his noticing." Hermione was dumbfounded. What on earth was going on here?  
  
Lilac nodded slowly, considering this. "True. I'll have to find some other way." She glared at Hermione. "In the meantime, we'll get this problem taken care of." Ropes shot from her wand, binding Hermione completely. "Let's go, Granger. You screwed up this time, and now you'll have to pay." 


	15. But Voldemort Isn't A Veela

Harry had never felt this great in his life. He was zipping around the Quidditch pitch with Draco, his new best friend ever in the entire world, and Keira, who had abandoned her Firebolt 300 to simply fly using her gryphon wings. Keira had apparently been made Quidditch captain while Harry was passed out, and she had pulled out the Snitch so they could chase it around. It had to be past midnight, but he didn't care. Snape was too happy to yell at them, and Filch would be putting out those stupid fires that kept happening. Harry didn't remember why, but he didn't really care. He was happy right now.  
  
"Hey, Harry!"  
  
Harry started. Who was that? It wasn't Draco or Keira...he looked down to see Ron waving wildly at him from the ground. He groaned and swooped down. "What do you want?"  
  
Ron stared at him. "Harry, it's past midnight. You're going to get in trouble, you know that?"  
  
Harry shrugged. "We're having fun. You should come play too."  
  
Ron glanced up. "You're out here with Malfoy? Geez, Harry, did you hit your head when you passed out or what?"  
  
"Malfoy's my friend," Harry said defensively. "I know we've fought a lot in the past, but we made a truce, and now we're not going to fight anymore."  
  
"Okay, now I know you hit your head," Ron said. He squinted up at Keira. "Unless...who's that? Are those wings?"  
  
"That's Keira," Harry replied happily. "She's wonderful. She took care of me in the infirmary, and plus she's totally beautiful."  
  
Ron sighed. "Never mind," he said grimly. "Now I know what's wrong." He cupped his hands around his mouth. "Keira! Hey, Keira, come down here!"  
  
Keira gracefully spiraled down, landing perfectly beside Ron. She folded her wings behind her and carefully pushed her hair behind her ears. "Yes? Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron snapped. "And you, you are a Mary Sue, and I'd like it if you'd shove off and leave Harry alone."  
  
"What?" Keira screamed. "I am not a Mary Sue! Do you have any idea who I am?"  
  
"Try me." Ron folded his arms and looked her in the eye.  
  
"I'm Voldemort's daughter!" she screamed. "And I'm half gryphon! And...and I'm half veela too!" Her face started turning into a cruel beak, and her hands twisted into claws. "You're going to regret this, Mister Ron Weasley! You're going to be sorry you ever called me a Mary Sue!"  
  
Harry was confused, not to mention scared. Ron was his friend still, right? Why was he fighting with Keira? And what on earth was happening to her? He shot a nervous look at Ron, trying to signal him to shut up. But it was too late.  
  
Ron was laughing. "You're You-Know-Who's daughter, and you're half gryphon and half veela? That's impossible! There's no way you can exist!"  
  
"That's not true!" Keira screamed, growing uglier by the second. "I can too exist! I'm trying to screw Potter so my daddy can get on with his evil plan!" She stopped suddenly. "Uh oh."  
  
"You're what?" Harry pushed Ron aside and stared at Keira, who was rapidly turning back into a semi-normal looking girl. "Keira! I thought you liked me!"  
  
"Well--well," she faltered, looking down.   
  
"I don't believe this! You--I thought you were--"  
  
"FINE!" Keira yelled. "Yes, I'm evil! it doesn't matter! I'll get you somehow! Now I'm gonna go snog Draco!" She took off, flying up to a completely oblivious Draco and yanking him from his broom.  
  
Harry and Ron watched, completely transfixed. "Well," Harry started, feeling his face redden.  
  
"Don't mention it," Ron replied. "I think we'd better get back up to the dormitory before we get caught."  
  
Harry nodded. "Let's go." 


	16. Mione In, Wormtail Out

Wormtail sighed. He had a bottle of good beer, the Wizarding Wireless network was on, all the girls were asleep, and he was watching the sun rise. Not only that, but the Dark Lord was in an uncommonly good mood. Yes, he reflected, life was good when the plans were running smoothly. He sipped his beer and wondered if the Dark Lord would let him take a vacation after this. They'd be cleared to take over Britain, but it was pretty rainy here. Maybe they could dominate the Bahamas next.  
  
A thump and a bout of swearing in the next room knocked him out of his reverie. He sighed and heaved himself up, wondering who had just fallen into the fireplace.  
  
Mione was righting herself and dusting off ashes. "You could clean this stupid chimney sometime, you know," she said sullenly.  
  
"Let's not go into the housekeeping detail around here. What's the problem?"  
  
Mione rolled her eyes. "The problem is Professor Snape."  
  
"Oh, no." Wormtail panicked. It was by now his natural reaction to anything and everything. "Don't tell me he's taken up knitting sweaters for the poor or something."  
  
"No." Mione pouted. "He's all super depressed, and I had to go take a note to him or something this morning, and he was all crying and said he didn't wanna come back here or something, he was too sad."  
  
"Lord." The plan had backfired. "Uh...what did you tell him?"  
  
"I showed him some stuff in my journal that I write when I get depressed, about how life is like this big sucking gaping hole of nothingness and then you die." She shrugged. "I think it cheered him up some."  
  
Wormtail nodded. Snape was back to normal, then, if a little more vocal about it than usual. "What else is going on?"  
  
"Ummm...oh, Harry dumped Keira."  
  
"WHAT??"  
  
"Yeah, she said she got really mad at his stupid friend Ron and she started turning ugly because she's half veela and stuff. So she's all hanging on Draco now to make Harry jealous, but it's not working, and he's not friends with Draco anymore either." She patted the kitten charm hanging around her neck. "And I saw with this necklace that Draco doesn't really like her either, and he's going to dump her and stuff..."  
  
Mione rattled on about relationships at Hogwarts, but Wormtail's mind was racing. They'd lost Potter. This was not good. His friend Ron was apparently able to fight their power. Also not good. Keira was half veela. That didn't make any sense, but he knew better than to question it. He hadn't heard from the Malfoy twins since he'd talked to them about Lilac Livingston. Nothing was good.  
  
"Okay, Mione," he said, mustering up all his courage. "I need you to stay with the girls here. Let them know that I said you're in charge for right now. I have a job to do."  
  
"Wormtail!" A voice called from down the hall. "Who's there? Is it daddy's little girl? Did you miss daddy, huh, sweetheart?"  
  
"And above all, don't say a single word to him," Wormtail told Mione as he raced out the door. 


	17. Serena Malfoy

Hermione blinked. There seemed to be sunlight showing through some dusty window up above her. She was able to see now that she was in some sort of storage room. There were broomsticks and cauldrons as well as strange bottles, cages, and what she took for some sort of lawnmower, only Muggle lawnmowers had blades and not steel teeth.  
  
"She's awake at last." Hermione glanced around to see where the voice was coming from, but found that even her head was bound with ropes and she could barely move it even a few inches.  
  
A short figure's silhouette came into view--too short to be Lilac or Gary, Hermione realized. The silhouette knelt down beside her, and she now saw that it was a small girl of ethereal beauty, with long, pale hair. The girl smiled. "Don't worry, Hermione. We're not going to hurt you."  
  
"Who are you?" Hermione demanded. "Where am I? What's going on?"  
  
"Patience, my dear. Everything will be fine if you just calm down."  
  
"I'm not going to calm down! Who are you?"  
  
"My name is Serena." The girl stood up and began pacing around Hermione's bound form in a terribly unnerving way. "My sister and I have captured you. We are not Sues. We are not working with the Sues. We have our own agenda." She paused. "Though perhaps my sister should be here to tell you this. You know her rather better than you know me."  
  
"I don't know your sister," Hermione spat. She had noticed that just above her head was a shelf filled with bottles. If she could manage to inch back, she might be able to bump the rickety-looking shelf.  
  
"Oh, but you do," Serena purred. "You just know her better as Gary Stuart."  
  
Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Don't tell me."  
  
"My sister and I are Metamorphmagi," Serena continued. "I don't think I have to tell a bright girl like you what that means. As for me, I've been posing under the guise of Lilac Livingston."  
  
"Oh, so you're the one who made Snape all stupid." Just an inch more...she'd be able to slam into it with her shoulder...  
  
"Don't talk about Severus that way!" Serena snapped. "The poor man needed a little joy in his life...and I wanted to be the one to bring it to him."  
  
Hermione rolled slowly onto her side. She saw her chance now. "So you really were...you know...involved with Snape?"  
  
Serena's eyes misted over. "I've only had to push him away to keep up the charade of working for Voldemort. But when Serenity and I rule, I'll never let him out of my sight."  
  
CRASH! The shelf fell backwards, splattering potions and shards of glass across Hermione's face. She grimly willed herself not to think about what those potions could have been as she groped about for a big piece of glass.  
  
"You clumsy idiot!" Serena cried. "Fine. You can lay there in that mess all day. I've got to go teach class. I hope you get cut to ribbons and fall asleep in a puddle of Wart-Gro!" She turned and stormed out.  
  
Hermione started giggling in relief and not a little hysteria. What a stupid girl. Now doubly glad she'd never kissed Gary, she started sawing away at the ropes. 


End file.
